Scientists' latest hair-brained theory on the universe is
that before the Big Bang there was something else. Well duh. And duh on so many
levels.
Hang around Hackney Marshes on a Sunday for an afternoon and
you soon realise the worm-hole is right there. It's a portal to not one but
numerous parallel universes - ones where people run around kicking balls as if
they're involved in the same game when there's really no possibility of
communication of any sort between them.
The official record will show a 3-0 walkover to Recreativo
Hackney; but in another dimension everything was weirdly different. While
looking almost exactly the same.
On Friday this match was on, then off, then on as a
friendly, then on as the most crucial competitive game of our season so far,
then on as a friendly again. The ref was lined up, then cancelled, then lined
up again, and an hour before the game someone anonymously phoned the substitute
ref to tell him it was off. (We have that person's number but they're not
returning our calls). Which it wasn't. Well, not in the the universe we were in
anyway. Players were in then out, then out, then in. A few new ones were in,
some old ones were in, then out. Some new ones were in, then out too. The sun
was in. The mud was out. The pitch was already in a state and we made it even
more of a state.
Shepherds - among our oldest rivals in the league - turned
up with 8. We donated new-old-boy Greg and club captain Adam to square it up at
10 a-side. DanH scored for Reccy within 30 seconds of kick-off. Shepherds
hadn't touched the ball. Adam equalised (for Shepherds and against his own
beloved side) within 30 seconds of the restart. Reccy hadn't touched the ball.
As the mud deepened and the time-space continuum convulsed
Reccy decided to shut up shop at 1-1. Not very effectively. Shepherds went on
to score another 4 before half time including a hatty from Adam. His last goal
(let's go over this in some detail) saw him rob a Reccy midfielder and from a
full 30 yards chip one over the keeper. Intergalatic protocols, the shadow
proclamation and all that, prevented him from celebrating, though inside he
was, as one of our crew mentioned "Pleased with himself." The robbee
left the pitch in a fit of something. The second half was closer. Gregg and
Adam flew back to the bosom of their club and JoeD, thinking he might get a bit
of the goal action, filled in for Shepherds. Both sides scored a few but no one
was really counting. It was all very gentlemanly and nice. A proper friendly.
Just then a massive alien ship crash-landed right in the
middle of the marshes and freaky-looking creatures with snarly lips and pointy
boots crawled out of the wreckage and did the Hokey Cokey. Maybe that really is
what it's all about.
Team: Aaron (am I the new CM?) Gayle, Adam
(hattrick hero) Bradbury, Ben (new hair) Chambers, Chris (never stop running)
Chambers, Dan (now you see me) Hare, Gianmaria (Is this what you get up to on
Sundays?) Bandiera, Paul (also never stop running) Cowie, Imran (keep that
thing away from me), Tom (blackbeard) Perrett, Joe (try getting past me)
Dunthorne. Ref: His Excellency Gwarg of the Planet Mizcommunikashun